Confession Time

I have a confession.  I weigh myself daily.  And sometimes (often), I let the number get in my head.  And that number makes me think irrationally.  And when I think irrationally, I start to view myself in a distorted way.  And when I start to view myself in a distorted way, I start to pick apart myself.  And when I pick apart myself, I forget about loving myself.  And when I forget about loving myself, I get all caught up in lies in my head, thus starting a cycle of self-deprecation.

I know.  It sounds so harsh when I write it.  But it’s the truth.  I’ve taught women for years to stay away from the scale.  To stop worrying about a number.  To stop letting the scale control how you feel and who you are.

And then…I feel like a fraud.  Because I’ve been doing the same lately.  It didn’t happen overnight.  I didn’t used to weigh myself.  But then I did one day.  Then the next, and the next and over time, this habitual practice turned into my morning dread.

I was ok for a long time with the number.  Even when it was higher than it had been in a while.  I was still fine with it…until one day it said a number I hadn’t seen in…well…ever.  And I suddenly started looking at myself differently.

And for the record…PLEASE don’t say muscle weighs more than fat.  It doesn’t.   It’s denser and therefore we weigh more if we are more muscular, but that doesn’t help a woman with a distorted body image.

And so over the past few weeks, instead of seeing myself as strong and fit, I started to look at myself through another lens.  That lens that comes with conditions.  It has labels, numbers, disclaimers, and lies associated with it.

And I know better.  I do.  But I’m human.  And I fall.

But I can get back up.  Because I DO know better.  And I DO love myself more than to allow some silly little contraption that spews a number at me every time I step on it to control me.

But today I started the day differently. I DID NOT weigh myself.  Nor will I any longer.  I got rid of the scale.  I felt REALLY strong during my workout.  I didn’t have any number to battle in my head.  Just me.

And when I was finished, as a little experiment, I took two pictures of myself, one right after another.  Forget the 3-month transformation.  That’s a 30-second transformation. We get to choose to see ourselves in whatever image we want.

When I define my worth by number, this is what I’m essentially telling myself.. that this picture says I am a number on a scale.  I am the voices in my head.   It says I deserve to love myself with conditions.  It says I’m not worthy because of my flaws.  This picture looks past all the beauty and focuses on trying to perfect the imperfections.  When I focus on a number, I lose confidence in who I am.

(Note: I was VERY intentional about the posture and look of this pose to prove my point).

But when I choose to look at me for who I really am, THIS Is what I see.  I am a strong, confident, and fit mom, wife and woman over 40.  That’s who I am.

(Note: I was VERY much myself in this posture because I LET GO of conditions).

Please understand.  When you stop focusing on what you think you have to change and focus on all you have to love, you will see, she is already there.  That confident woman that loves herself without conditions is already inside of you.

So that’s my confession. I slipped.  I have been focused on a number and not who I am.  This is hard for me to share, but something tells me I’m not alone.  And for the record, if I can make this 30-second transformation, imagine what filter, angles, and social media comparisons can do to alter your image of yourself?  Something to think about for a WHOLE other post.

Yes, we can improve and yes, we can change and get better, but you MUST start where you are.  You have to tell yourself you’re worthy enough.  And something inside of you will change.  Your spirit will emerge.  Your beauty will radiate.  Your curves will be in all the right places.

 

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