I used to practice it. I used to practice yoga a lot. I was as flexible as I was strong. I was student of the month at my studio. I completed challenges. I rarely missed a day. But…I didn’t know why.
When I practiced Bikram yoga on a daily basis several years ago, I loved the way it made me feel physically. When I was in a room that was 105 degrees for 90 minutes, I really didn’t have time to worry, fear or think. All I cared about was making it through 90 minutes. And when the class was over, it was absolute bliss to feel the fresh air. My body felt exhausted, yet renewed at the same time.
When I decided to start working out from home, I stopped taking yoga classes. I quit my membership. What was my home away from home was no longer. And it was my decision to make this transition with the notion that I would eventually get back to it. I just didn’t realize it would be nearly six years.
Sometimes you have to let go of things to realize how grateful you are to have them.
Over the past year, I have experienced a lot of anxiety, worry and fear. I’ve had a lot of pain in my lower back. I’ve held onto stress in my belly. I worry about things I have no control over. I stress from uncertainty. I fear loss of loved ones. There are many days I struggle with worthiness.
I finally decided all of this is happening for a reason. The way to begin the healing process is to finally get back to a regular yoga practice. But this time, I needed a new approach.
When I was practicing Bikram yoga, it was extremely rewarding physically. But it was also feeding my ego. I wasn’t practicing to heal myself. I was feeding myself. My mindset was different. I finished class after class after class to do just that. To see how much yoga I could do. How flexible I could be. It wasn’t about self-love. I was in competition…with others and mostly with myself.
This time it’s different. I’m practicing at home, in my workout space that is about 75 degrees. It’s only 30-60 minutes. I don’t have a mirror. I don’t have a teacher telling me “great job Rhonda”. It’s just about my breath. Breathing in love. Exhaling fear, doubt and worry.
This time I’m not dripping with sweat. But when I finish, I feel renewed. I feel peaceful. I feel happy.
No challenges. No competition. Just movement, flow, twists and balance postures to free my mind, to heal my body, to experience the self-love I deserve.